I ice skate. It's good exercise, it's indoors, it's nice and cool, and it's not that expensive. It beats jogging or going to the gym, and I'd like to play hockey in an adult league when my skating improves.
That said, practically every time I go to the rink I see some shit that just PISSES ME OFF. So I expect posts of this nature will be a regular feature. So let's begin with today, shall we?
1. Why do people insist on photographing EVERY SINGLE MOMENT of their kids' childhoods? Don't get me wrong there are certain things that should be photographed or videotaped. Baby's first steps or first words, and special occasions like baptisms, first communions, weddings, and maybe even wedding nights if you're into that sort of thing.
But there is absolutely no goddamn reason for some fatass mom to WALK out onto the ice in street shoes and take pictures right in the main fucking flow of skating traffic. I wanted to give the bitch an Alex Ovechkin-style knee-on-knee dirty hit. (And he IS dirty, Caps fans, so keep your jerkoff comments to yourself.) It's bad enough when parents hang out through the doors onto the ice to take pictures, you do NOT walk onto the ice -- ever -- and have your kids pose on it while people are trying to skate by. I didn't pay six goddamn dollars to spend two hours dodging your fuckwit spawn.
Lady, you know the nice thing about ice rinks? They're surrounded by glass. Clear glass that you can take photos THROUGH. Or, you can go above the glass in the seating area and take pictures there. "But, RC," you might be saying, "what if she wanted a close-up shot of the kids?" They make ZOOM LENSES for that shit. "What if her camera didn't have a zoom feature?" Then the fat bitch can go on a diet and use the food savings and buy a better fucking camera. Given her size, three days should be enough.
Plus the woman was wearing a Wisconsin sweatshirt. (Not the university, just the state.) These are the assholes that have foisted Herb Kohl, Russ Feingold, and Bud Selig on the rest of us. Fuck them. By the way, Cheeseheads, how does Favre's ass taste?
And one more thing. If you're the kind of person that gets pissy when other people drift into your shots, don't try taking pictures at an ice rink, where people are constantly moving, moron. I'm NOT trying to photobomb you, but I'm already having to dodge you and your kids, I'm sure as hell not STOPPING just so you can have a picture of 2010 when you have Alzheimer's. Assuming you can remember where you put the photo then.
2. Who decided that little girls should scream for their own amusement? Groups of them will count down and scream when they hit zero. Why is this? When that happens, I should be allowed to punch every single goddamn one of them in their heads. "That's aggravated assault, RC!" And them screaming is aural assault. I should be permitted to defend myself.
3. How is it that attractive white girls will, ahem, try to make themselves look Hispanic? Too much mascara, hoop earrings, fake fur hoods on their coats. Oh, and a bastard child. The girl at the rink today could have been a 7 or an 8 if it weren't for these accouterments.
As it was, she ended up more like a 5. She was wearing at least three layers of upper-body insulation (hoodies and her coat). Which is fine, we were at a cold ice rink. But somehow, HER MIDRIFF WAS STILL showing. So she's either classless or stupid, and that costs her points. Also, here's a tip. If you have a muffin-top, no matter how minor, exposing your midriff makes it look a lot worse. THAT gets multiplied if you have a tramp-stamp that draws your eye to the muffin top that's exposed through the midriff.
Get some new winter clothes, wannabe chica.
4. I try not to be racist. Really, I do. But I cannot understand average black youths when they talk to each other. ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT? Goddammit! Maybe Harry Reid can come teach them how not to speak with that Negro dialect. It can be like ESL training. He'll need a new career soon enough anyway.
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